This Year's DA
by orron
Summary: Guess who Albus found to teach DA this year...


_Standard disclaimer_…

The characters in this story are the property of their creators and/or current owners, not mine. I did not and will not receive any payment for this story or the use of the characters.

_Standard Thank you_…

Thank you Countrymouse and Ramos for your assistance in cleaning up this story.

_Standard story blurb_…

This is a one-shot that also is my first attempt at writing. Please enjoy.

(Stupid page break)

"Albus, you can't be serious!" Professor McGonagall looked as though she had just bit into an under-ripe persimmon. "What could have possessed you to do such a thing?" The possession question was not a figure of speech.

"Calm down, Minerva. You're making too much of this." Dumbledore held up one of his hands as if to stop her from continuing. "What could be better than a team of experts to prepare our young students for the worst?"

"Experts indeed! Have you seen the reports on their background? They are constantly in the Muggle press. The liability alone should be enough to make you reconsider."

Professor Dumbledore watched his counterpart with quiet amusement. He noted how tightly she held herself and stopped himself from laughing at the thought of Minerva McGonagall popping like a clock that had its mainspring sprung and spilling bits about the room.

"Minerva, please." He paused for a moment. "Have some faith in an old fool. They have the precise qualifications we need to fill the post. Besides, we will all benefit from their unique abilities."

"Have you met them? Are they indeed… qualified, as you say? Were they even able to succeed at the skills trial?" McGonagall was not calm and would not become so even if Albus bade her to be. She felt the situation had gone too far. "I mean really, hiring a group of Muggles to teach our students to defend themselves against the worst our world can dish out."

The Headmaster mulled over her apparent lack of faith in his decision. "Minerva. I am quite satisfied with the skills they possess and their ability to impart it on the youth of this institution. That, I should think, would be enough for even you."

Recognizing the note of finality to his voice, Professor McGonagall hrmphed and turned on her heel and paced away.

"I do so enjoy these little chats, Professor. Feel free to visit me anytime, my door is always open." He called after her with his most charming tone.

The sorting ceremony had reached its conclusion. The future witches and wizards at Hogwarts were busy acquainting, and reacquainting themselves with each other. The echoing chatter of the students died down as professor Dumbledore tapped his crystal goblet with a convenient utensil.

"I would like to welcome each and every one of our new students to Hogwarts." Dumbledore scanned the students in front of him. "I would also like to welcome the rest of you back. I of course have a few announcements before we can get to our feast." The headmaster was pacing himself in an obvious fashion. "Mr. Filch wants the students to remember to use the new mud-attracting carpet in all the entryways and no food is allowed in the trophy room; he's still finding mustard and jelly from last year's incident." Dumbledore's blue eyes fell heavily on the Wesley twins.

The door behind the head table opened, stopping the headmaster and starting a small commotion among the students. Four people - two women and two men - and a rather large dog stood very still as every eye in the great hall focused on them.

"Let us all welcome our new Defense against the Dark Arts teaching team." Professor Dumbledore said as he gestured grandly towards the new arrivals. "Fred Jones will be in charge of teaching you trap construction. Velma Dinkley will share with you the importance of observation and deduction to determine the nature of threats. Daphne Blake will show you techniques of survival if captured by factions of the Dark Lord. And last but by no means least, Norville Rogers, er, Shaggy and his companion Scooby Doo. They will teach you avoidance tactics, quick disguises, also deception and concealment."

As the newcomers approached their seats, Professor Dumbledore clapped his hands and announced the beginning of the feast. After a short start from observing the sudden appearance of the gracious quantity of food, the teaching team took their seats and took in the scene.

Shaggy and Scooby wasted no time diving into the food. As Scooby was reaching for a turkey leg, Sir Nick popped out of the turkey.

"Hello," said Sir Nick in his most polite manner.

"A rhost!"

"Naw, like that's a turkey, Scoob. Now that's a roast." Said Shaggy unobservantly.

"Ro, Ro a rhost a rhost rike, roooooo!"

"Oh, you mean a ghost. Like, no wor… ieeees."

Shaggy and Scooby where alternating between trying to run away and attempting to beat Sir Nick out of the turkey.

Velma turned to the teacher next to her, which happened to be Minerva McGonagall. "Jinkies, that's a pretty good trick. Where did you hide the holographic projector?"

"The what?" The professor responded with enough snoot for any three French waiters.

Fred interrupted. "We've been on enough of these types of cases to have seen about every trick in the book, and let me tell you this is one of the oldest and lamest tricks I've ever seen. I mean it's not even realistic is it. Now, the shock value of having it pop out of food in front of us was a nice touch, but let's be real here…"

Professor McGonagall sat there, dumbfounded. She had never been at a loss for words, especially towards obvious ignorance. She sat there with her mouth open for one second too long. The struggle between Shaggy, Scooby and the specter possessing their food had begun to expand and the unlucky professor caught an amalgam of stuffing, turkey and other unidentified food bits across her face and neck.

Out of reflex, professor McGonagall drew her wand and was shocked when, as she swept up and uttered "_petrificus_" the wand was suddenly not in her hand. Turning to see what had happened to her wand, she found herself face to face with the Headmaster, who was holding her wand. "I… was only going to… I mean… Look at me! How could you let this happen?" She thumped the arm of her chair with a bony, clenched fist, as if to drive it right through the flagstones.

Dumbledore waved his hand across McGonagall and the food on her disappeared. "Do try not to send the newest members of our staff to the ends of the earth. I might be forced to find someone to substitute for the defense classes and I know how full your schedule is this year."

McGonagall suddenly looked as though she may have had the _petrificus_ curse placed on her. "Very well," she managed. "I will… try not to send them off to East Timor before the end of the year."

Sir Nick took advantage of the momentary distraction and propelled himself high out into the great hall. The students were finding great humor in the recent struggle and had started a tentative food fight of their own.

Peeves could not resist the commotion in the great hall. Although he usually stayed away from the hall during these feasts, he could not resist calamity when it was so readily available. Spotting a group of strangers at the head table all in Muggle clothing, he focused in on one wearing his favorite color. Purple. Swooping in with all grace and style of a white guy dancing to a 3/2 beat, he scooped up Daphne before anyone knew what was going on. As he retreated with his quarry, he ran into Velma, knocking her glasses off.

"My glasses!" She cried as she dropped to her hands and knees and started feeling about in a well-practiced manner.

Fred looked about for wires holding up the giggling poltergeist. "That's the best levitation trick I've ever seen. A bit much on the costume though."

Shaggy and Scooby, feeling victorious at evicting Sir Nick from the food, started devouring their meal at a rate and with such efficiency that even Crabbe and Goyle were impressed.

"_Impedementia_!" The booming voice of Professor Snape both silenced the great hall and froze in place the new defense team and Peeves.

After a long pause, "That was great!" Fred exclaimed.

Velma stood up after locating her glasses, "You said it, Fred." She turned to Professor Snape. "What was that - some sort of mass hypnosis?" She poked at Shaggy and Scooby Doo, who were immobile. Turning back to Fred, she continued her incessant questions. "Remember the voodoo priestess in Puerto Rico who tried to use zombie powder on us? Boy was she surprised when her _'spell'_ didn't work on us; well, most of us, anyway." She went back to poking Shaggy.

"What are you people!?" Snape was becoming uncharacteristically emotional.

"Um, could someone get me down?" Everyone looked up a little startled at hearing the voice of Daphne. "I'm feeling a draft and my dress is getting wrinkled."

Fred started to look for a way to get up to her.

Going back to examining Shaggy, Velma started to pull on the sparse accumulation of hairs on his chin. "Jinkies…" she murmured.

Shaggy and Scooby suddenly followed through on their actions they started before professor Snape interrupted them.

Shaggy looked up to get back in touch with his surroundings. "Zoinks, it's another one!" He cried out.

At that, Peeves started to move again. Looked about at the entire hall staring at him, he dropped Daphne and tore for the nearest exit. Scooby ran under her to break her fall and collapsed spread-eagle when she landed on his back.

"Thanks, Scoob."

"Rah, rit raws nrauthing, he he he he he"

As Scooby said that he caught a glimpse of a small furry object at the heel of Mr. Filch. It was Mrs. Norris. Scooby started to growl.

"What is it, bud?" Said Shaggy looking about for a reason for Scooby to act this way.

Scooby paused his growl long enough to say "Ra rat."

"A rat? Where? I only see a cat… Oh! Don't do it, Scoob." He reached for Scooby's collar just a fraction of a second too late.

Scooby leapt over the table and started towards Mrs. Norris, weaving between the legs of surprised students, leaping over a few and onto the Slytherin table. The cat in question realized at that moment, that all the commotion was quickly approaching her. Filch had finally figured it out too.

At the exact moment Scooby leapt for Mrs. Norris, she levitated approximately 3 feet, claws extended. Filch, in an attempt to protect his "Precious", moved to intercede by stepping between the two adversaries. Scooby plowed into Filch, sending him reeling back words through the door he likes to stand next to. Mrs. Norris could not defy gravity much longer and landed, claws out, on Scooby's back, facing to the rear.

At feeling the weight and the claws in his back, Scooby went bronco. Mrs. Norris, for her part, did her best to just keep a good grip, which caused Scooby to buck even more wildly about the Slyterin table. Potatoes, chicken, turkey, roast, pumpkin juice, and all manner of desserts flying here and there, reinvigorating the tentative food fight.

Mr. Filch had regained his feet and reentered the hall holding his hands out, bouncing them up and down, just behind time with Scooby's bucking. Mrs. Norris realizing this was going to be the best chance she had for a somewhat dignified dismount, suddenly let go of Scooby on the apex of a strong buck and sailed into the air. Filch watched the perfect arch Mrs. Norris made in her flight through the air before she landed, very un-cat-like, on the flagstones behind Mr. Filch.

Scooby, realizing the offending object had left his back, started a careful search by tearing through everything and everybody, for the 'rat'. Dumbledore waved his hand, causing Scooby to be drawn backwards through the hall back to the staff table. "A little decorum, please," he stated to Scooby and Shaggy.

As Fred and Velma inspected Scooby's tail for signs of the cable that dragged him, Albus held up his hands. The hall fell silent except for the occasional drip or plop sound of food falling from the chandeliers. "I think we have had enough frivolity for the evening. I will need four volunteers from each house to stay and assist the house elves with the cleanup."

With this announcement, all the food disappeared and the house tables were starting to clear, save for the few unfortunates who were chosen to stay behind. Scooby and crew followed Minerva's prod out the door they came in and up to her office for instructions on appropriate staff behavior. And, perhaps an overdue introduction to the magic world. If she survives…

The End


End file.
